Aren't atheists all unhappy?

Q: Aren't atheists all unhappy?

A: According to at least one survey by the Barna Group, atheists and agnostics are less likely than believers to feel "completely/mostly satisfied with your life today" (68% to 91% for evangelicals) and feel more "stressed out". So, yes, overall atheists are less happy than believers, at least in America. But 68% is a long ways from "all atheists are unhappy."

Furthermore, although everyone is different, I think it's fair to say that being an atheist in America is harder than being a Christian. Atheists are different. Atheists are a minority. Atheists are more hated than even terrorists. A number of states forbid atheists from holding public office. A President in our generation said that he didn't think atheists should even be considered to be citizens. Religion is pervasive in our culture, and to be an outsider to all of that powerful social force is quite a challenge.

Given all of that, it's not too surprising that an atheist in America would feel less satisfied than those in the powerful majority.

At the end of the day, however, I think the best reply to the question of happiness belongs to George Bernard Shaw, who said "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."

But if you don't believe in God, who do you think made you?

Q: But if you don't believe in God, who do you think made you?

A: Sometimes, when a man and a woman are very much in love, they ... no, wait, wrong lecture.

Seriously, most atheists would answer this question with "My parents." And that would be it. They do not believe that an almighty Creator was involved in any way, just regular old people doing that regular old thing. A god is as unnecessary to explain human conception as it is to explain the conception of weasels.

But just because an atheist is someone who lacks God-belief doesn't mean that all atheists believe in metaphysical naturalism (the idea that the physical, natural world is all there is). For instance, a Buddhist atheist might believe that there is a non-material component to all life, which we are unable to measure through our normal senses, but which accrues various amounts of karmic debt. This insubstantial essence lives on beyond us, and in fact incorporates itself into future iterations of the self. In that sense, such a person might reply "My parents, me, and the karmic nature of the universe."

Most atheists, however, would likely consider this sort of non-divine supernaturalism as claptrap and nonsense. By far the most common answer is that we are created by the same mindless forces of nature responsible for every other living non-human creature we have ever seen.

What do you do if your child comes to you and tells you they've become an atheist?

Q: What do you do if your child comes to you and tells you they've become an atheist?

A: Before I go on, I want to be sure you understand a few things.

First, I'm neither a parent nor a therapist; I'm just someone who has experienced a range of reactions from people I love about my atheism, and who has a strong desire to help families stay together whenever possible.

Second, every family is different; what I have to say here may or may not apply to your yours.

Finally, this is not a guide to how to get your child to reconvert back to your religion. It's not intended to be persuasive regarding any particular system of belief, it's just meant to address some of the natural concerns and questions parents of faith might have when their child tells them they're an atheist. Ultimately my goal would be to help families in this situation stay together, emotionally available to each other, and supportive of one another.

Having said that, here are some thoughts that might help you deal with this new revelation from your son or daughter.

First Things First

So what do you do if you're religious and your child tells you that he or she is not? I imagine you're shocked, unsettled, and probably a bit angry. But you need to think very carefully about how this is going to affect your relationship with your child going forward. Decide quickly -- do you want to continue having a relationship with them, or is their atheism so painful to you that you cannot bear to deal with them? From that one decision everything else flows.

I'm going to assume that you do want to keep some sort of relationship with your child, or you wouldn't keep reading this. I want to say, therefore, that I applaud you for that; it takes courage and great strength of character to try and work through what must feel like such a fundamental rejection of what you stand for. I think -- no, I know -- it's worth it, though. This after all is your son or daughter, the little being you gave life to, who's shared your home for all these years. To throw all that away in response not to what they do but to what they think, would be a great tragedy.

Now that you've decided you want to figure out some way to live with this in your life, therefore, I'd like to address a few of the things that are probably racing through your mind.

What Do They Even Mean By "I'm An Atheist"?

You're probably thinking of other belief systems that have a creed or a list of rules, some kind of organizing document that says "You have to adhere to all of these to be one of us." Atheism isn't like that, though; there isn't a group people sign up for and whose terms they agree to in order to call themselves an atheist. Atheism isn't a creed or a religion or even a philosophy, nothing so organized as that.

That's what it's not, but as for what it is -- well, it's simply a description, meaning "someone in whom no god-belief is present".

That's it.

In some ways it would be easier if there were a list of beliefs you could read to know where you stand with your child, if they were joining a new church that had a creed or a holy book you could research. But atheism's not that easy to pin down, because as I said it's just a description of an absence. You'd do as well asking what all people who don't collect stamps have in common.

Because atheism is a description and not a creed, we don't have any lists of beliefs or standards you have to agree to in order to join up. There's not even anything TO join, because we're not a club. We're not an organization.

That's why you'll see some atheists who say they want to stamp out all religion, and others who like religion very much, just not for them. Some will be immoral scumbags, and others will be among the very nicest, best people you'll ever meet. Some will be raging liberals and others will be staunch conservatives. Some will prefer living in big urban environments while others are happy in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere.

Without any kind of central tenets or dogma, you don't ever know quite what you're going to get with an atheist, which I suspect is part of what's so disturbing to religious people about them.

So what kind of an atheist is your child going to be? The honest answer is, they're probably not going to be that different from the young man or woman they've been all along.

Are They Going To Stay an Atheist?

It's impossible to say at this point what destination your child's journey is ultimately going to arrive at. Think about the kids you've known in your church. Some of them start out all gangbusters, full of faith and fire, only to peter out quickly and return to whatever life they had before. Others burn quietly, but for longer, and become pillars of the community. Some join the church out of anger, or jealousy, or greed. Others join for fellowship, faith, or love.

Atheists aren't any different; we all arrive at our unbelief for a variety of different reasons. A blogger named Hank Fox once outlined four different types of atheists, and although I think his list would apply to lots of folks I think it's a good place to start setting your expectations. Here's his list, slightly edited for presentation:

1. "Rebel Atheist": Decides he’s an atheist more or less just to piss off his mom and dad.
   
2. "Revenge Atheist": Believes in a god, but happens for some reason to hate him. “You killed my kitten / gave me cancer, you bastard, and I’ll never say I believe in you, ever again.”
   
3. "Inherited Atheist": The guy who picks it up from his atheist parents, and just never thinks seriously about religion, or whenever he does, thinks it’s just some nonsense like Elvis worship.
   
4. "Awakened Atheist": Someone who realized one day that some part of her religion didn’t make sense, and worked her way through question after question over a span of years, and eventually came to the firm conclusion that it just wasn’t true, any of it.
   

As to what what your child's ultimate destiny is in terms of religious beliefs, it's hard to say. I think atheists of types 1 and 2 from the list above return to the faith of their childhood fairly often -- it's hard to stay that angry for very long. You're not dealing with a Type 3, or you wouldn't be reading this. If you've got a Type 4 on your hands, well, I have to be honest with you -- you're probably not going to get them back into your faith. Non-belief arrived at with careful deliberation and deep soul-searching is work honestly done and reluctantly surrendered. This type of atheist is also, however, in my opinion the most likely to end up leading a peaceful, fulfilling life. You might not feel like it now, but you should be proud of your child if they're a Type 4, because you raised a deep, careful, thoughtful person, and that's always good.

Aren't Atheists Inherently Immoral? And Doesn't That Mean My Child Will Be, Too?

No, absolutely not! Regardless of why your child has come to atheism or how long they hold to it, atheists are just as likely as theists (a generic term for anyone who does hold a god-belief) to be moral or immoral, good or evil, upstanding or wicked. This study, for instance, clearly shows that there is no correlation between atheism and immoral behavior.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to you, but faith or its lack isn't a very good indicator of how moral or immoral someone is. I would bet if you think back on people you've known in your church, you can come up with examples of people who seemed very pious but who turned out to be just rotten. And I bet the opposite is true, too, that you can think of some who seemed like the worst Baptist/Catholic/Hindu or whatever you ever saw, only in the end they turned out to be just great, great people.

If you've raised a good kid, who knows how to love others and to treat them well, then you've got nothing to worry about in the morality department. Just like there are good and bad people in every church, there are good and bad atheists as well. Who your child is on the inside is far more important than what they think about god, in terms of their personal morality.

But I Don't Want My Child Going to Hell!

I understand how painful that thought must be to you. From a religious perspective, though, I would encourage you to remember that the only one who decides who's going to hell and who isn't, is God. If you believe Him to be a truly merciful, loving god, then trust in Him to do right by your child. Don't put yourself over Him and substitute your judgement for His; trust that He'll do the best thing when the time comes.

If you want to keep a close relationship with your child, however, I wouldn't encourage you to take up this argument with him or her. An atheist doesn't believe in Hell, so at best this is an empty threat. At worst, it's likely going to drive your child even further away from you; Hell is one of the more common reasons atheists give for losing their faith in Christianity. The reasoning goes that no God who is all-loving would condemn someone to infinite, eternal torture for sins committed during a finite lifetime. Pushing that aspect of your faith to your child as a reason they should abandon atheism is likely going to have the exact opposite effect you're hoping for.

What's the Best Way To Talk To My Child About This?

Getting angry when you talk about this is not going to be helpful. In the words of the Bible, "This man speaks harshly, Who can listen to his words?" It's important to try and stay calm and reasonable. That can be hard, especially if you think your son or daughter is telling you this just to hurt you. You may think this is a childish, silly position to take. You may be taken by an incredible urge to slap some sense into them.

Don't.

I can almost guarantee you that this decision or realization is not something your child has come to lightly. It's a serious matter, and deserves serious, adult attention. Talk to them, one person to another, and really listen to what they are telling you. This is your son or daughter; nothing about their belief system is going to change that. They love you, and you love them, and even though you might be furious with each other, don't lose sight of that.

I'm not suggesting you give up your beliefs or to say anything you don't honestly believe -- in fact, I'd say just the opposite. Be open and honest with them, and give them the chance to do the same.

Just remember that their atheism doesn't mean they've suddenly become evil. They're not joining a cult, or planning on ignoring all morality and law. They're just searching for answers, even as you are, trying to figure out what it all means and why they're here, what it is they're supposed to be doing with their lives. Tell them you love them, no matter what (even if you don't feel much like it at the moment, you know you do), and even though you think they're wrong it's not going to change that love.

Atheist or theist, Christian or Muslim, black or white, ultimately that's all any child wants from their parent, to be loved for who and what they are. You don't have to agree with their position, you don't have to condone it or celebrate it, but you do have to deal with it openly and honestly, and always with love.

If you want to continue having a relationship with your child, it's absolutely essential that you not belittle or harangue them. They're making an adult decision, you need to deal with them as an adult. Put yourself in their shoes, imagine how you would want someone to react if you were telling them about your faith for the first time. Your child deserves that same respect and openness.

Most importantly, don't lie to them. Don't say "I completely understand and everything's fine, I'm ecstatic for you" if you're not, in fact, fine and ecstatic with it. Say instead "I hope you understand that this is difficult for me to accept, because I love you and my faith is very important to me. It scares me to think of you not having the same faith I have. But I hear what you're saying and I'm going to try very hard to understand and accept that this is what you believe; it's your life, and I know you have to live it, no matter how I might feel about it personally. Regardless, even if I'm angry or upset or not really understanding right now, I love you and always will."

So Now What Do I Do?

All you can do is love 'em. If you've raised them well, if you've loved them with all your heart, then they're going to turn out fine no matter what faith they end up with (even if it's no faith at all). Be open and honest with them. Keep the lines of communication open. You don't have to give their atheism your blessing, but try to express your feelings in a non-judgmental, non-condemnatory way. "You're going to hell but I love you anyway" is probably not the right approach, nor is "I'm sure this is just a phase and you'll grow out of it." Try something along the lines of "I love you no matter what, and although this isn't something I am happy about, ultimately your faith is your choice and I'm going to do my best to respect your decision."

It's all about honesty, love, and keeping the lines of communication open without being too judgmental or harsh.

And the fact is that there are millions of atheists all over the world living happy, fulfilling, moral, loving, complete lives. This may be the end of your religious hopes for them, but it most certainly isn't the end of your hopes for their moral, intellectual, and emotional well-being.

I hope this has been helpful for you. I want to repeat that I'm not a parent, nor a psychologist, so please take all of this as nothing more than what it is -- the perspective of just one guy, an atheist who has a love for kids and a genuine desire to help families stay together in love and support.

Families are precious gifts; please don't let the differences between your faith and theirs ruin that.

Is atheism a religion?

Q: Is atheism a religion?

A: Most people think of religion as involving two main things -- belief in at least one god, and a set of rituals devoted to perpetuating a given dogma. Atheism fails on both counts, since by definition it does not hold any god belief, and there are no rituals or dogmas to follow.

More broadly, of the eight definitions of "religion" given by dictionary.com, only one is even vaguely applicable to atheism: "something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience: to make a religion of fighting prejudice." But even this definition is applicable only to strong atheism, the positive belief that there are no gods. Atheism as defined on this site (or weak atheism as it's called elsewhere) -- the absence of god-belief -- fails this aspect as well, since it is not a belief but a lack of belief.

Atheism by itself is not a system of beliefs. At most it is one belief, that there are no gods, and in general it's not even that -- it's just a description of an absence. Atheism can be part of a larger set of beliefs, which together form a coherent philosophy of the world, but by itself it is no more a philosophy or a religion than a foundation is a house.

Aren't atheists less moral than religious people?

Q: Aren't atheists less moral than religious people?

A: The short answer is no. But of course, when it comes to religion and morality, short answers rarely suffice.

The longer answer to this question is "it depends". Specifically, it depends on how you define "moral", because it's very easy to define someone right out of the picture. Many theists, for example, flatly believe that morality and religion are essentially the same thing. Under that definition, it is literally impossible for a non-believer to be moral.

You quickly see the difficulties inherent in discussing what is and is not moral when you start getting into hot-button American moral political issues like abortion, pornography, and homosexual rights. Each camp defines their position to the moral one, and the other camp's to be immoral. If you think homosexuality is inherently immoral, then by definition all gay people are immoral. If you think tolerance (at a minimum) of homosexuality is moral, then theists who condemn homosexuals are inherently immoral.

In other words, it's all in how you define it.

One common approach to answering the question of whether atheists or theists are more moral is to pick an issue and see how each group fares with regards to it. While this approach can be very useful, it is also easily abused. For example, many Christians like to point to a Barna Group survey that shows atheists are about half as likely as Christians to give to charities. Since charity is commonly considered a great moral good, the Christian thus "proves" that atheists are less moral.

On the other hand, Barna also found that atheists are about half as likely as Christians to get divorced. Most Christians consider divorce to be a great moral failing, so by using this example, atheists "prove" they are more moral than religious people. You can see why it's so important to treat these kinds of surveys cautiously, and not to overgeneralize from them. Morality and human behavior are very large, very complex subjects with lots of moving parts. Cherry-picking one example from the bunch and trying to hold it up as definitive is misleading.

But I think what most people mean when they talk about morality pretty much involves adherence to the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Honesty, kindness, a giving nature, bravery, helpfulness, faithfulness to your word, being respectful of others, dependability, and so on; in other words, how we treat others.

And that's where much of the Christian angst over atheism's supposed lack of morality, I suspect, comes from. There is a fear that atheists, without hanging their moral code on a religious tradition, will have no reason to adhere to the Golden Rule, causing the social order to collapse, leaving us all in a bleak, grim, Hobbesian struggle for survival as savages, where might makes right and the strong prey on the weak with no conscience at all. To that concern, all I can say is, look at Norway:

Depending on the definition of atheism, Norway thus has between 26 percent and 71 percent atheists. The Norwegian Humanist Association is the world's largest humanist association per capita.

And what has secularism done to Norway? The Global Peace Index rates Norway the most peaceful country in the world. The Human Development Index, a comparative measure of life expectancy, literacy, education and standard of living, has ranked Norway No. 1 every year for the last five years.

Norway has the second highest GDP per capita in the world, an unemployment rate below 2 percent, and average hourly wages among the world's highest.

Do atheists hate religion?

Q: Do atheists hate religion?

A: While some atheists hate some religions, and other atheists hate all religions, not all atheists hate all (or any) religions.

Among those atheists who hate at least some religions, the reasons given vary. Some object to the teaching of any religious beliefs as fact, when such beliefs are fundamentally subjective and untestable. Others object to the actions taken on behalf of religion in the past, believing that on balance religion is more of a force for evil than for good. Still others have had bad experiences with a specific religion in their personal past, and so harbor feelings of resentment or rage for its adherents.

Most atheists, however, view religion as a lactose intolerant person views milk -- that is, something other people enjoy but they can't quite figure out why. It doesn't bother them, any more than milk-drinkers bother the lactose-intolerant. It's just sort of foreign and thus something they don't really think about all that much. If theists enjoy their religion, and it doesn't lead them to discriminate against atheists or to suppress sound scientific thinking, well then that's fine: Just because I don't like milk doesn't mean I hate you for doing so. Drink up!

What is "New Atheism", and who are the "New Atheists"?

Q: What is "New Atheism", and who are the "New Atheists"?

A: The term "New Atheist" is generally applied to three main authors and those who share their beliefs and methods -- Richard Dawkins ("The God Delusion"), Sam Harris ("Letter to a Christian Nation") and Christopher Hitchens ("God is Not Great"). Essentially, it refers to an atheist who aggressively advocates for the virtues of a godless society and argues that religious belief of any type should be subjected to the same skeptical inquiry as any other subject, rather than being accorded a special and hallowed place in the public discourse.

Most of those to whom it is applied deplore the term, because there isn't anything "new" about being an aggressive advocate for atheism and against religion (Bertrand Russell's "Why I Am Not a Christian" from 1927, anyone?). What is new is the broad public appeal these authors have achieved, with all of the books referenced above making the New York Times' Best Seller list within a relatively short time span. I suspect it is this commercial and popular success that led to the impulse to come up with a label for them.

I think a more useful delineation would be the one recommended (tongue in cheek) by C.L. Hanson, as "mean atheists" and "nice atheists":

The difference between the mean atheists and the nice atheists is that the mean atheists think that religion is ninety-nine parts pure stupidity mixed with one part lying, opportunistic con artists. And they want to tell that to religious people whenever they're asked to "respect" someone's faith.

The nice atheists, by contrast, believe that religion is more complicated than the stupidity-plus-con-artists model and/or that we should at least make an effort to get along with religious people.

The fight between the two groups is this: When the mean atheists and the nice atheists get together, it's not so much that it annoys the mean atheists to be asked to play nice. It's more that they just want to be able to call the nice atheists names like "sniveling milquetoast" and the like. Y'know, while they're at it. Because when it comes right down to it, the mean atheists just want to have fun.

Why do atheists have to ruin it for everyone else?

Q: Why do atheists have to ruin it for everyone else?

A: I think what is usually meant by this question is something like "I'm happy believing what I believe, why can't you just leave me alone in my belief instead of trying to question it?"

Most atheists would, I suspect, be perfectly happy to live and let live. If you're happy with your faith system, good for you!

Unfortunately, atheists are rarely afforded the same luxury. The majority of Americans are people of faith and churchgoers, and trust atheists less than terrorists. That tends to produce an environment where those who are different (i.e. atheists) are looked at with suspicion. When an atheist speaks up and makes it known that he or she is not a believer, this usually results in a fair amount of attempted proselytizing and questioning. When the atheist responds, often the reaction is hostile.

Apparently we're supposed to just shut up and take it.

Of course, having said that, there are atheists who are much more vocal and active about expressing not only their view of reality, but who wish to force theists to confront the challenges to their faith head-on. The reasons for this are manifold, but at the root of all of them is, I suspect, the very human desire to not only be right, but to have others acknowledge that we are right.

At the end of the day, however, most atheists are happy to let you go on believing whatever you like, so long as they are afforded the same opportunity.

Why do atheists spend so much time talking about religion if they don't believe in god?

Q: Why do atheists spend so much time talking about religion if they don't believe in god?

A: Imagine moving to a new city where everyone believes that people with blond hair are criminals, and you have blond hair. Even though you're pretty sure the people in this city are wrong, you'd better be prepared to educate yourself about the issue, because you're going to have to deal with it whether you want to or not.

That's the position most atheists find themselves in. Our culture -- American culture, particularly -- is steeped in religion. Our population is overwhelmingly Christian, overwhelmingly church-going, and overwhelmingly distrusts atheists:

From a telephone sampling of more than 2,000 households, university researchers found that Americans rate atheists below Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in “sharing their vision of American society.” Atheists are also the minority group most Americans are least willing to allow their children to marry.

Given that kind of hostile environment, many atheists feel they have to be well-armed with knowledge in case they're confronted by an overzealous theist.

Other atheists simply find the subject of religion interesting, much like a literature enthusiast loves studying fiction even though they don't really believe the events in them are true.

Still other atheists were raised in a harsh or hostile religious environment and have bad feelings towards religion as a result. They have a rich knowledge of their denomination by virtue of their upbringing and thus are more likely to engage in a debate about religion than someone with no such information.

Finally, some atheists just like a good argument, and nothing gets people to argue faster than religion.

And as always, The Universal Caveat applies -- you're likely to get as many answers to this question as atheists you might ask!

Why do atheists hate God?

Q: Why do atheists hate God?

A: Atheists by definition are people who don't hold a belief in any god, so in their minds there is no "God" with whom to be angry. This is a bit like asking a Christian why they're so angry with Allah.

You will, however, often encounter a hostility to religion among many atheists, which is a subtly but significantly different issue than being angry with God. You can be angry with what, for instance, Muslim terrorists do even while not believing in the god they profess to worship.

Without making a judgment as to their merits, here are the reasons I most commonly see given by those atheists who seem to be hostile towards religion:

1. Harmful Actions: Religion is seen as giving adherents license to commit unlawful, immoral, or otherwise harmful acts against other human beings. Regardless of the existence or non-existence of the god worshiped in that religion, the acts themselves are to be deplored on their own merits. Religion is regarded as significantly more likely to encourage such behavior than other belief systems, and as such should be avoided.


2. Harmful Thought Processes: Religion is seen as promoting non-rational, non-scientific, non-logical modes of thought that lead to less than desirable social consequences. One example often given is the effort to replace the scientifically solid theory of evolution with Biblical "creation science" or "intelligent design" in public classrooms. This lessens the ability of our students to think critically about the world around them, in turn weakening our country's ability to compete in the scientific world.


3. Truth Matters: Strong atheists believe there is no god, and to allow significant social institutions to go around promoting an untruth is distasteful. In general it's better to be truthful than otherwise, and this is just one of the more prominent examples of culture promoting untruths.

Those are among the more logical or rational reasons you'll find atheists promoting for why they dislike religion. There are many, many others, some much less rational and more emotional. Sometimes people who are raised in a very religious home will rebel against those teachings later in life, perhaps as a way of distancing themselves from their parents and perhaps out of genuine revulsion at the practices themselves. Some atheists undoubtedly are angry with what their family or community did to them in the name of religion, and thus reject all religion as a consequence.

Again, the Universal Caveat applies; you're going to get almost as many answers to this question as there are atheists out there. Including, of course, the sizable group of atheists who don't give a fig about religion one way or the other, any more than non-stamp-collectors care about the goings-on among philatelic groups.