Aren't atheists all unhappy?

Q: Aren't atheists all unhappy?

A: According to at least one survey by the Barna Group, atheists and agnostics are less likely than believers to feel "completely/mostly satisfied with your life today" (68% to 91% for evangelicals) and feel more "stressed out". So, yes, overall atheists are less happy than believers, at least in America. But 68% is a long ways from "all atheists are unhappy."

Furthermore, although everyone is different, I think it's fair to say that being an atheist in America is harder than being a Christian. Atheists are different. Atheists are a minority. Atheists are more hated than even terrorists. A number of states forbid atheists from holding public office. A President in our generation said that he didn't think atheists should even be considered to be citizens. Religion is pervasive in our culture, and to be an outsider to all of that powerful social force is quite a challenge.

Given all of that, it's not too surprising that an atheist in America would feel less satisfied than those in the powerful majority.

At the end of the day, however, I think the best reply to the question of happiness belongs to George Bernard Shaw, who said "The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."

What do you do if your child comes to you and tells you they've become an atheist?

Q: What do you do if your child comes to you and tells you they've become an atheist?

A: Before I go on, I want to be sure you understand a few things.

First, I'm neither a parent nor a therapist; I'm just someone who has experienced a range of reactions from people I love about my atheism, and who has a strong desire to help families stay together whenever possible.

Second, every family is different; what I have to say here may or may not apply to your yours.

Finally, this is not a guide to how to get your child to reconvert back to your religion. It's not intended to be persuasive regarding any particular system of belief, it's just meant to address some of the natural concerns and questions parents of faith might have when their child tells them they're an atheist. Ultimately my goal would be to help families in this situation stay together, emotionally available to each other, and supportive of one another.

Having said that, here are some thoughts that might help you deal with this new revelation from your son or daughter.

First Things First

So what do you do if you're religious and your child tells you that he or she is not? I imagine you're shocked, unsettled, and probably a bit angry. But you need to think very carefully about how this is going to affect your relationship with your child going forward. Decide quickly -- do you want to continue having a relationship with them, or is their atheism so painful to you that you cannot bear to deal with them? From that one decision everything else flows.

I'm going to assume that you do want to keep some sort of relationship with your child, or you wouldn't keep reading this. I want to say, therefore, that I applaud you for that; it takes courage and great strength of character to try and work through what must feel like such a fundamental rejection of what you stand for. I think -- no, I know -- it's worth it, though. This after all is your son or daughter, the little being you gave life to, who's shared your home for all these years. To throw all that away in response not to what they do but to what they think, would be a great tragedy.

Now that you've decided you want to figure out some way to live with this in your life, therefore, I'd like to address a few of the things that are probably racing through your mind.

What Do They Even Mean By "I'm An Atheist"?

You're probably thinking of other belief systems that have a creed or a list of rules, some kind of organizing document that says "You have to adhere to all of these to be one of us." Atheism isn't like that, though; there isn't a group people sign up for and whose terms they agree to in order to call themselves an atheist. Atheism isn't a creed or a religion or even a philosophy, nothing so organized as that.

That's what it's not, but as for what it is -- well, it's simply a description, meaning "someone in whom no god-belief is present".

That's it.

In some ways it would be easier if there were a list of beliefs you could read to know where you stand with your child, if they were joining a new church that had a creed or a holy book you could research. But atheism's not that easy to pin down, because as I said it's just a description of an absence. You'd do as well asking what all people who don't collect stamps have in common.

Because atheism is a description and not a creed, we don't have any lists of beliefs or standards you have to agree to in order to join up. There's not even anything TO join, because we're not a club. We're not an organization.

That's why you'll see some atheists who say they want to stamp out all religion, and others who like religion very much, just not for them. Some will be immoral scumbags, and others will be among the very nicest, best people you'll ever meet. Some will be raging liberals and others will be staunch conservatives. Some will prefer living in big urban environments while others are happy in a trailer out in the middle of nowhere.

Without any kind of central tenets or dogma, you don't ever know quite what you're going to get with an atheist, which I suspect is part of what's so disturbing to religious people about them.

So what kind of an atheist is your child going to be? The honest answer is, they're probably not going to be that different from the young man or woman they've been all along.

Are They Going To Stay an Atheist?

It's impossible to say at this point what destination your child's journey is ultimately going to arrive at. Think about the kids you've known in your church. Some of them start out all gangbusters, full of faith and fire, only to peter out quickly and return to whatever life they had before. Others burn quietly, but for longer, and become pillars of the community. Some join the church out of anger, or jealousy, or greed. Others join for fellowship, faith, or love.

Atheists aren't any different; we all arrive at our unbelief for a variety of different reasons. A blogger named Hank Fox once outlined four different types of atheists, and although I think his list would apply to lots of folks I think it's a good place to start setting your expectations. Here's his list, slightly edited for presentation:

1. "Rebel Atheist": Decides he’s an atheist more or less just to piss off his mom and dad.
   
2. "Revenge Atheist": Believes in a god, but happens for some reason to hate him. “You killed my kitten / gave me cancer, you bastard, and I’ll never say I believe in you, ever again.”
   
3. "Inherited Atheist": The guy who picks it up from his atheist parents, and just never thinks seriously about religion, or whenever he does, thinks it’s just some nonsense like Elvis worship.
   
4. "Awakened Atheist": Someone who realized one day that some part of her religion didn’t make sense, and worked her way through question after question over a span of years, and eventually came to the firm conclusion that it just wasn’t true, any of it.
   

As to what what your child's ultimate destiny is in terms of religious beliefs, it's hard to say. I think atheists of types 1 and 2 from the list above return to the faith of their childhood fairly often -- it's hard to stay that angry for very long. You're not dealing with a Type 3, or you wouldn't be reading this. If you've got a Type 4 on your hands, well, I have to be honest with you -- you're probably not going to get them back into your faith. Non-belief arrived at with careful deliberation and deep soul-searching is work honestly done and reluctantly surrendered. This type of atheist is also, however, in my opinion the most likely to end up leading a peaceful, fulfilling life. You might not feel like it now, but you should be proud of your child if they're a Type 4, because you raised a deep, careful, thoughtful person, and that's always good.

Aren't Atheists Inherently Immoral? And Doesn't That Mean My Child Will Be, Too?

No, absolutely not! Regardless of why your child has come to atheism or how long they hold to it, atheists are just as likely as theists (a generic term for anyone who does hold a god-belief) to be moral or immoral, good or evil, upstanding or wicked. This study, for instance, clearly shows that there is no correlation between atheism and immoral behavior.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to you, but faith or its lack isn't a very good indicator of how moral or immoral someone is. I would bet if you think back on people you've known in your church, you can come up with examples of people who seemed very pious but who turned out to be just rotten. And I bet the opposite is true, too, that you can think of some who seemed like the worst Baptist/Catholic/Hindu or whatever you ever saw, only in the end they turned out to be just great, great people.

If you've raised a good kid, who knows how to love others and to treat them well, then you've got nothing to worry about in the morality department. Just like there are good and bad people in every church, there are good and bad atheists as well. Who your child is on the inside is far more important than what they think about god, in terms of their personal morality.

But I Don't Want My Child Going to Hell!

I understand how painful that thought must be to you. From a religious perspective, though, I would encourage you to remember that the only one who decides who's going to hell and who isn't, is God. If you believe Him to be a truly merciful, loving god, then trust in Him to do right by your child. Don't put yourself over Him and substitute your judgement for His; trust that He'll do the best thing when the time comes.

If you want to keep a close relationship with your child, however, I wouldn't encourage you to take up this argument with him or her. An atheist doesn't believe in Hell, so at best this is an empty threat. At worst, it's likely going to drive your child even further away from you; Hell is one of the more common reasons atheists give for losing their faith in Christianity. The reasoning goes that no God who is all-loving would condemn someone to infinite, eternal torture for sins committed during a finite lifetime. Pushing that aspect of your faith to your child as a reason they should abandon atheism is likely going to have the exact opposite effect you're hoping for.

What's the Best Way To Talk To My Child About This?

Getting angry when you talk about this is not going to be helpful. In the words of the Bible, "This man speaks harshly, Who can listen to his words?" It's important to try and stay calm and reasonable. That can be hard, especially if you think your son or daughter is telling you this just to hurt you. You may think this is a childish, silly position to take. You may be taken by an incredible urge to slap some sense into them.

Don't.

I can almost guarantee you that this decision or realization is not something your child has come to lightly. It's a serious matter, and deserves serious, adult attention. Talk to them, one person to another, and really listen to what they are telling you. This is your son or daughter; nothing about their belief system is going to change that. They love you, and you love them, and even though you might be furious with each other, don't lose sight of that.

I'm not suggesting you give up your beliefs or to say anything you don't honestly believe -- in fact, I'd say just the opposite. Be open and honest with them, and give them the chance to do the same.

Just remember that their atheism doesn't mean they've suddenly become evil. They're not joining a cult, or planning on ignoring all morality and law. They're just searching for answers, even as you are, trying to figure out what it all means and why they're here, what it is they're supposed to be doing with their lives. Tell them you love them, no matter what (even if you don't feel much like it at the moment, you know you do), and even though you think they're wrong it's not going to change that love.

Atheist or theist, Christian or Muslim, black or white, ultimately that's all any child wants from their parent, to be loved for who and what they are. You don't have to agree with their position, you don't have to condone it or celebrate it, but you do have to deal with it openly and honestly, and always with love.

If you want to continue having a relationship with your child, it's absolutely essential that you not belittle or harangue them. They're making an adult decision, you need to deal with them as an adult. Put yourself in their shoes, imagine how you would want someone to react if you were telling them about your faith for the first time. Your child deserves that same respect and openness.

Most importantly, don't lie to them. Don't say "I completely understand and everything's fine, I'm ecstatic for you" if you're not, in fact, fine and ecstatic with it. Say instead "I hope you understand that this is difficult for me to accept, because I love you and my faith is very important to me. It scares me to think of you not having the same faith I have. But I hear what you're saying and I'm going to try very hard to understand and accept that this is what you believe; it's your life, and I know you have to live it, no matter how I might feel about it personally. Regardless, even if I'm angry or upset or not really understanding right now, I love you and always will."

So Now What Do I Do?

All you can do is love 'em. If you've raised them well, if you've loved them with all your heart, then they're going to turn out fine no matter what faith they end up with (even if it's no faith at all). Be open and honest with them. Keep the lines of communication open. You don't have to give their atheism your blessing, but try to express your feelings in a non-judgmental, non-condemnatory way. "You're going to hell but I love you anyway" is probably not the right approach, nor is "I'm sure this is just a phase and you'll grow out of it." Try something along the lines of "I love you no matter what, and although this isn't something I am happy about, ultimately your faith is your choice and I'm going to do my best to respect your decision."

It's all about honesty, love, and keeping the lines of communication open without being too judgmental or harsh.

And the fact is that there are millions of atheists all over the world living happy, fulfilling, moral, loving, complete lives. This may be the end of your religious hopes for them, but it most certainly isn't the end of your hopes for their moral, intellectual, and emotional well-being.

I hope this has been helpful for you. I want to repeat that I'm not a parent, nor a psychologist, so please take all of this as nothing more than what it is -- the perspective of just one guy, an atheist who has a love for kids and a genuine desire to help families stay together in love and support.

Families are precious gifts; please don't let the differences between your faith and theirs ruin that.

Why do atheists bother getting up in the morning?

Q: Why do atheists bother getting up in the morning?

A: Because we can't reach the &@#! alarm clock!

Ahem.

In a nutshell, what this question really implies is that the questioner believes that all meaning in life comes from God. If you don't believe in God, therefore, your life can have no meaning, so why bother?

Let's turn the question around, however, and see how it sounds then. "If as a Christian your whole goal in life is to die and get to Heaven, why wait? Just off yourself now and cut out all those pointless years of mortal existence." I can hear the spluttering now, but the original question is just as silly to an atheist as this one is to a Christian.

Atheists find meaning in all kinds of things. We have families to feed, bills to pay, causes to advance, friends to see, lessons to learn, achievements to attain, and mountains to climb, just like theists do. Giving meaning to something yourself, instead of having it imposed by a "higher power", doesn't make that meaning less real. Is the love someone feels for a spouse they themselves chose less powerful than the love someone feels for a spouse their parents chose for them in an arranged marriage? Does it matter that the feeling is self-assigned rather than other-assigned? As long as it's sincere, it doesn't seem to me that one is better than the other. Just different.

What is "New Atheism", and who are the "New Atheists"?

Q: What is "New Atheism", and who are the "New Atheists"?

A: The term "New Atheist" is generally applied to three main authors and those who share their beliefs and methods -- Richard Dawkins ("The God Delusion"), Sam Harris ("Letter to a Christian Nation") and Christopher Hitchens ("God is Not Great"). Essentially, it refers to an atheist who aggressively advocates for the virtues of a godless society and argues that religious belief of any type should be subjected to the same skeptical inquiry as any other subject, rather than being accorded a special and hallowed place in the public discourse.

Most of those to whom it is applied deplore the term, because there isn't anything "new" about being an aggressive advocate for atheism and against religion (Bertrand Russell's "Why I Am Not a Christian" from 1927, anyone?). What is new is the broad public appeal these authors have achieved, with all of the books referenced above making the New York Times' Best Seller list within a relatively short time span. I suspect it is this commercial and popular success that led to the impulse to come up with a label for them.

I think a more useful delineation would be the one recommended (tongue in cheek) by C.L. Hanson, as "mean atheists" and "nice atheists":

The difference between the mean atheists and the nice atheists is that the mean atheists think that religion is ninety-nine parts pure stupidity mixed with one part lying, opportunistic con artists. And they want to tell that to religious people whenever they're asked to "respect" someone's faith.

The nice atheists, by contrast, believe that religion is more complicated than the stupidity-plus-con-artists model and/or that we should at least make an effort to get along with religious people.

The fight between the two groups is this: When the mean atheists and the nice atheists get together, it's not so much that it annoys the mean atheists to be asked to play nice. It's more that they just want to be able to call the nice atheists names like "sniveling milquetoast" and the like. Y'know, while they're at it. Because when it comes right down to it, the mean atheists just want to have fun.

Why do atheists have to ruin it for everyone else?

Q: Why do atheists have to ruin it for everyone else?

A: I think what is usually meant by this question is something like "I'm happy believing what I believe, why can't you just leave me alone in my belief instead of trying to question it?"

Most atheists would, I suspect, be perfectly happy to live and let live. If you're happy with your faith system, good for you!

Unfortunately, atheists are rarely afforded the same luxury. The majority of Americans are people of faith and churchgoers, and trust atheists less than terrorists. That tends to produce an environment where those who are different (i.e. atheists) are looked at with suspicion. When an atheist speaks up and makes it known that he or she is not a believer, this usually results in a fair amount of attempted proselytizing and questioning. When the atheist responds, often the reaction is hostile.

Apparently we're supposed to just shut up and take it.

Of course, having said that, there are atheists who are much more vocal and active about expressing not only their view of reality, but who wish to force theists to confront the challenges to their faith head-on. The reasons for this are manifold, but at the root of all of them is, I suspect, the very human desire to not only be right, but to have others acknowledge that we are right.

At the end of the day, however, most atheists are happy to let you go on believing whatever you like, so long as they are afforded the same opportunity.

Why do atheists spend so much time talking about religion if they don't believe in god?

Q: Why do atheists spend so much time talking about religion if they don't believe in god?

A: Imagine moving to a new city where everyone believes that people with blond hair are criminals, and you have blond hair. Even though you're pretty sure the people in this city are wrong, you'd better be prepared to educate yourself about the issue, because you're going to have to deal with it whether you want to or not.

That's the position most atheists find themselves in. Our culture -- American culture, particularly -- is steeped in religion. Our population is overwhelmingly Christian, overwhelmingly church-going, and overwhelmingly distrusts atheists:

From a telephone sampling of more than 2,000 households, university researchers found that Americans rate atheists below Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in “sharing their vision of American society.” Atheists are also the minority group most Americans are least willing to allow their children to marry.

Given that kind of hostile environment, many atheists feel they have to be well-armed with knowledge in case they're confronted by an overzealous theist.

Other atheists simply find the subject of religion interesting, much like a literature enthusiast loves studying fiction even though they don't really believe the events in them are true.

Still other atheists were raised in a harsh or hostile religious environment and have bad feelings towards religion as a result. They have a rich knowledge of their denomination by virtue of their upbringing and thus are more likely to engage in a debate about religion than someone with no such information.

Finally, some atheists just like a good argument, and nothing gets people to argue faster than religion.

And as always, The Universal Caveat applies -- you're likely to get as many answers to this question as atheists you might ask!