Comments on Atheist FAQ: What do you do if your child comes to you and tell...

I am a practicing Catholic including being a Eucha...

2012-01-07T09:12:08.088-06:00

I am a practicing Catholic including being a Eucharistic Minister at our church. I knew my son was having a bit of a crisis of faith which I thought was brought on by the death of his 19 year old cousin to cancer. Last night at dinner, my son now 25, told his father and I that he was an Atheist. Reading your blog, he falls into the 4th category of atheist. I am so happy to have found your blog. Your blog has confirmed what I knew about my son, that he is a good person. This will now end the "are you coming to church with us it is Easter/Christmas afterall", argument. At the end of our talk, we agreed to disagree.

Thank you for this post. I am not a Christian pare...

2010-10-19T22:32:43.779-05:00

Thank you for this post.
I am not a Christian parent, but an atheist 18 year old who is planning on coming out to my parents pretty soon.
I am going to show this to my parents after I tell them because this is the most well worded article I have read about this.

Also to the first anonymous poster, if you kid is 21 ands still living with you, then you should consider kicking him out regardless of his religion. Unless he is still going to a very near by college or something...

to the second anonymous poster, "I would support if he wasn't really a church goer, or the fact that he didnt even believe in god, I just cant seem to fathom and support him as an atheist"
'atheist'="didnt believe in god"
There is nothing more to it than that. The word Atheist has a really bad rep.

It sounds like there are several concerns you have...

2009-08-30T15:13:49.906-05:00

It sounds like there are several concerns you have regarding this relationship, and the atheism bit is sort of serving as a gateway to them.

First, if you're thinking of having kids with this guy, how they're going to be raised is a pretty big deal. If ensuring they're raised as strong Catholics is important to you, having a non-believer as a spouse is going to be hard. It can be done, though, as the many, many interfaith couples can attest. But it's a challenge that wouldn't be there if you both agreed on your faith (or lack thereof) so it's important to be open about discussing that.

On one hand, having your kids exposed to alternate points of view from a very young age can be a very good thing. If they retain their faith, it'll just be that much stronger. Or they might find a different practice than Catholicism fits them better, which can also be a good thing. Or they might find themselves in the non-believer camp, which (again, from my perspective) is also fine. If the thought of having children who aren't believers is something deeply troubling to you, then it should also trouble you about being married to such a person. Why would that be bad for your kids, but ok for your husband, in other words?

Second, it sounds like you're bothered by the attitudes of some of the people your boyfriend associates with online. Again, there's a long history of spouses not liking their partner's friends. Loooooooong history. The key concern is, do you see aspects of that unsettling behavior or attitude in your boyfriend? Because you have to live with him, not his online friends, after all.

Bottom line, figuring out all these sorts of child-raising or being-married types of issues BEFORE getting married or having kids is a great idea. You can't nail them all down, of course, but the very process of discussing them is very healthy.

What kind of person your partner is matters much, much more to me than what they say they believe. If he's really a nice, sweet, caring, thoughtful person, he sounds like a winner to me. Because I can guarantee you, you could walk into your Catholic church tomorrow and find the biggest son of a bitch you ever met who also happens to be a believer.

Either a person's good at their core, or they're rotten, and what god they claim to worship (or not) doesn't seem to me to be that great a guide to peering at their heart.

Having said that, if you decide your faith and your potential children's faith is of high importance to you, then that's totally legitimate and you need to make your decision about a mate with that factored in heavily. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you're honest and above-board about the discussion.

Again, I'm not a counselor or therapist or anything, so take all that with a grain of salt. As long as my partner was sincere and a good person, I can't say it would bother me if they were a Thor worshiper, but that's just me. You have to decide for yourself how important it is to you, and be happy with whatever decision you come to.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend both!

I came across this while googling what to do if so...

2009-08-30T12:33:47.339-05:00

I came across this while googling what to do if someone you love is an atheist, and let me tell you this was actually very helpful. My boyfriend is an atheist and I struggle with understanding and supporting it. I was raised catholic and don't go to church regulary, but still believe in a heaven and god. I feel it takes a toll on our relationship as I love him very much, but worry about how our children would be raised and it frustrates me how hes always online discussing athesist articles with people who to me seem hateful and snide. I would support if he wasn't really a church goer, or the fact that he didnt even believe in god, I just cant seem to fathom and support him as an atheist, maybe partly becasue I'm still trying to understand it. He is not hateful, he is very unbiased and loving. I don't even know if you could help in this situaiton, but you seem to be very open, realistic and hopeful in your advice and I was wondering your opinion. Thank you for your time.

I think I'm not qualified to answer that quest...

2009-08-06T22:32:32.513-05:00

I think I'm not qualified to answer that question on either your or your son's behalf :-)

Seriously, that's a very personal situation that's unique to each person in it, no one on the outside can pass judgment. You have to just do what you think is right and be open and honest about it either way.

If it were me? On the one hand, I can't help but think of how Christ behaved to those who were moral, physical, and spiritual outcasts to the rest of the people in his community, deliberately choosing time and again to associate with the basest of the base and the most untouchable of the untouchables. I think that's an admirable way to behave no matter if you're a believer or not.

On the other hand, you're in a difficult position as both a parent and a pastor, with lots of responsibilities on you from all sides that are pulling you in different directions.

All I can say is, lots of parents kick their kids out for lots of different reasons. Some of those relationships turn out fine down the line, some don't, whether they're for religious reasons or not.

Just keep the lines of communication open, be honest with each other, and hopefully it'll work out all right in the end.

I can tell you this, like I said in the post -- just him being an atheist doesn't make him a good or a bad person, just like some believers can be great and some can be downright evil. It's not about the belief, it's about their character.

I have a question for you: As a Christian minister...

2009-08-06T21:51:09.204-05:00

I have a question for you: As a Christian minister, I raised my son praying all along he would become a Chrsitian himself. Now that he is 21, I have asked him that due to his atheistic ways to please leave our home; having said that to him, his mother and I assured him over and over that we still love him, and want to remain in communication, if he so chooses. Do you think it was right for me to ask him to leave our home whaich happens to also be the church pasonage?